Thoughtful Shabbat

Tonight we had a lovely dinner with some friends. I invited my friend from work (M) since his weekend plans got cancelled. M is currently deciding what to do with his life. He is very smart, and has too many interests. Ultimately I am sure he is going to be an amazing doctor with a strong commitment to social justice and activism. Right now he's reading a lot of famous writers- Che, Freire, and most recently Paul Farmer (his own work, not Mountains Beyond Mountains) and having his mind blown.

Hampshire was the best experience for me- I was able to spend four years exploring ideas, critical thought, and drawing connections between mind-blowing ideas. In many ways it was a time when I was able to explore my interests as M is now. Learning HOW to do this was very important, as since then I have had enough of a structure that I haven't gotten too lost or overwhelmed. At least not in unmanageable ways.

Speaking with him tonight I realized how long it has been since I've really invested in my own learning from a purely intellectual stance. I have spent a lot of time learning about pregnancy, motherhood, babies, the human body. I have been growing emotionally. I am working, but not with the same single-minded focus I have in the past. It is very hard to do this while being exhausted, or having someone demanding attention at all times. I miss it. I'm not sure how to make more time for thinking, but I need to. I think it ties into my general quest to find more time to exercise etc- I want to keep investing in my spirit, and both intellectual and physical exercise has been important to me.

Now that Bil is back (YAY!) I will start to prioritize finding some more time for myself.

Cousin It

I'm not sure who is shedding more in this family- me or the cats. One of the things people love about being pregnant is how thick their hair gets due to the increases of estrogen. I didn't really notice, since I have about ten times the amount of hair as a normal person. According to babycenter.com this is what happens:

During pregnancy, changes in your hormone levels cause your hair to stay in a resting phase for longer, so you lose less hair on a daily basis. (You may have noticed that your hair seemed thicker than usual.)After you've given birth and your hormones have settled down — usually at about 12 weeks after delivery — more hair shifts into a shedding phase. You may be alarmed to find hair coming out by the handful.Normally, you lose about 100 to 125 hairs a day, but after delivery, you may be losing about 500 a day. This can be very disturbing, but try not to worry too much — you won't go bald!

So really, I was probably losing about 5000 hairs a day. And no, I didn't go bald. Luckily, it has started to slow down. Four things happened today that got me thinking about this.

1) I comb my hair in the shower. Normally, I gather the hairs out of my comb and then throw them in the trash (or sometimes over our bedroom balcony) when I am done. Today I noticed a few hairs in the drain, so I bent down to pull them out. But, on the other end was a HUGE HAIR BLOB! It was so gross. Those reading this should be very happy I don't know how to post pictures (other than those I get off of google images), or I would go upstairs and photograph the hair in my trash. When I googled "hair clog" to illustrate this point most pictures were so gross, I couldn't post them. Plus, I figure everyone knows what a hair clog looks like. I did, however, come across this image, which I think provides an excellent visual for today's entire post.

Sean and Eirin can provide verification that I do indeed shed a lot of hair, as though I tried to be conscientious about cleaning up my discarded strands after visiting, they found a lot in the drain. They also just found a bag of breast milk in the fridge, but I'm not taking responsibility for that.

2) I was getting Raviv dressed today when Shae came into his room to say good morning. Shae and Raviv are starting to become friends. Shae let Raviv pet her, which was very sweet. But, Raviv then had gobs of cat fur all over his slimy hands (he has been sucking on them a lot, so they are always wet).

3) I went downstairs and as I was passing the office, I noticed a few weird things on the carpet. Yup- hairballs. Hairballs that cats cough up are disgusting. They look like furry poop. Unfortunately, Shae had gotten outside a few days ago and ate a bunch of grass, so these hairballs were poopy, furry and grassy. I picked up the biggest clumps, but I'm going to leave the rest for Bil to deal with. For those of you who don't know what this looks like, I am including a picture. Sorry it is so gross but its the cold hard truth. Also, apparently google images doesn't have a large stock of furball pics.

1) I combed out the cats. Or tried. I'm not sure why they aren't bald! After combing the cats they were both about half the size, but I now have a third pet. Hopefully I don't have to feed it.

And, sadly, we missed "National Hairball Day" which was observed on April 24 of this year. For those of you who want more information, please click here, but I recommend NOT doing it on your lunch hour. Unless you are on a starvation diet.

cloth diapering

So I've totally recommitted to cloth diapering. Today some of the moms were emailing about it and I went to the website of our diaper service motherherbdiaperservice.com and went to her section why cloth and was totally shocked by how awful disposables are. I mean, obviously I know they are terrible, or I wouldn't be using cloth in the first place. We are using cloth more for the environmental impact, but I hadn't realized how hazardous to the health disposables are. I have even gotten Raviv's daycare to agree to "try" the cloth diapers. I think it has taken a while because at first they were so bulky for such a little baby they didn't work. And, I didn't have covers I liked. Now I use the g diaper cover with the pre-fold insert instead of their inserts. Though the g diaper inserts are flushable, compostable, or tossable they are still bleached and full of not so great stuff. Plus, one of my favorite parts of the service is that the pedal people deliver! For those of you who don't live in Northampton, the pedal people provide delivery/courier service in the town by bike. I took this picture off of their website. This is Ruthy, she is our pedal person.


When Raviv was really little, and pooped 10 times a day, I would often lay him on a cloth diaper and let him "free ball" it for a while. This prevented diaper rash, and he would poop on the diaper, and I wouldn't even have to change him!

We were also discussing teething today. When I was in Seattle, I got Raviv a new teething toy. Someone gave us a crate of organic teething vegetables that he LOVES.While in Seattle, I got him a broccoli to go with the set.
Unfortunately, if you turn it upside down, it takes on a whole new look. It is fun to watch Raviv go to town on this toy though. We also got him an eggplant in Northampton. The eggplant, mushroom and tomato are too hard for him to hold, and we lost the string bean, so I think the broccoli will have to remain in active rotation. I think I was trying to compensate for not wanting to feed him real food by purchasing fake food. It is so easy to just pop him on the boob when he is hungry, and his poops are really easy to clean and not stinky. I'm a bit nervous for big-boy poops. At least children tend to toilet train up to a year earlier with cloth diapers! Raviv has started eating though. He LOVES to drink out of a cup. At daycare he now drinks breast milk out of a cup instead of a bottle. And if I am holding him while trying to drink water, he gets way too excited and grabs the glass.

At some point I will upload my own pictures.

It is so hot today. We have a little gadget from Brookstone that someone must have gotten as a gift, because I don't know why anyone would buy it on purpose. It looks like an egg and has the date, time and temperature on it. Our rule today is if your office reaches 82 degrees, you can go home. Ken thought he had the hottest office at 80.2, but mine has officially reached 82.2. So I am going to go home. It isn't too exciting though because I would have left in 7 minutes anyway to go pick up Raviv.

Beach blanket baby and Blogger's remorse

We had an amazing and yet depressing weekend at the beach. Since I was a little girl my family vacationed in Montauk, Long Island where my grandparents spent the summer. We stay at a little hotel right on the beach. To the left is a picture of the entrance to the beach from the hotel. Back in the 80's the hotel was decent but now many of the rooms are getting worn. With a beautiful pool and gorgeous beach it doesn't matter- we only use the room to shower and sleep.

This year, Bil took the train and I took Raviv on the ferries and we met in East Hampton. Raviv was amazing- he slept from our house to the first ferry, was awake and playful for the 90 minute crossing, and then slept through the rest of the journey (the second two ferries are very short so we stay in the car). It was somewhat emotional to bring my little guy to a place that is so meaningful for me. I hope he has as many fantastic times as I did at this beach. I think he is well on his way- the whole weekend he was happy and charming. It was fantastic seeing Bil and we had one of our first really relaxing weekends of the summer.

Raviv went into the ocean and the pool. He wasn't sure what to make of either. When we were in Seattle, his Aunt Eirin tried to explain that swimming was like being in a bath but it lasts longer. I think Raviv was confused because he was in full sun-protective gear- he was in a long sleeve, footed SPF outfit and hat. I also have UV protective sunglasses for him. I'm not sure he liked being in the water with these things and a soggy diaper, but being half Irish, he really has no choice. (Bil and I are both half Irish, so Raviv is two quarters Irish). He got to swim with Omi (great-grandmother) which I think they both enjoyed.

The trip was a bit depressing because it has become very clear that Omi is getting older. She and her friend Ed, who also spends the summer in Montauk are both starting to struggle with their physical health, which, at least for Omi has an impact on her mental health.

The trip home was much more challenging than the trip out. I have done this drive a million times, but doing the trip alone, with mommy-brain is a whole new experience. I was used to heading to New London from Boston, so I made sure to print directions from Northampton. I didn't print directions to get home, thinking once I did the drive, it would come back to me. Unfortunately, I forgot the part that I have no memory. I got off the ferry and successfully got onto rt. 32. When I got on the road, I saw a hard-core biker. I was impressed he was riding on a highway, (this wasn't like the mass-pike, it was a small highway). I kept driving looking for rt. 2A, but it never came. I looked back at my directions and realized I needed to get on 395. So I turned around and backtracked to 395. I saw the biker just as I was approaching 395 and marveled at how fast he was! Getting on 395, I kept a look out for 2A. I finally saw it and took the exit. Just as I was exiting, I realized I had gotten on 2A east. So I took the nearest exit to turn around. At the end of the ramp I saw the biker AGAIN! I felt like a total doofus for making several circles. To mkae it worse, Raviv started crying (again) and didn't stop until we were almost home. Once we got home, he was happy as usual. I think he is just a homebody. Unfortunately Bil and I don't stay home much.

Last weekend I went for a run and since then my ankle and knee have been bothering me. I finally felt like maybe I would try to run today, but it was so hot and humid, I didn't. I did walk for a little bit and felt my knee ache again. Not sure what to do about it. I wish I could go swimming, but I'm not sure what I would do with Raviv. It will be good when Bil returns home for good so I don't have to be a single mom.

The other topic is Blogger's Remorse-

It is so weird writing about my life (albeit some posts are boring, like this one) and not knowing who is reading them. Or if they are really dumb. I journaled from the time I was 12 until about 22. I figure this is a good way to get back into it. Of course, some stuff I won't be blogging about that I would have journaled about- ergo the occasionally boring post rather than something more personal

At some point I'll get better about pictures so I can make this more visually interesting. I think we only have two pictures from our beach weekend.

I am still trying to figure out formatting and captioning...

Bongo Jeans anyone?

I was in my closet today looking for my favorite pair of maternity jeans to pass on to my best friend, who is pregnant and starting to show. While doing this I made a shocking discovery- despite the fact that we have a nearly-full walk-in closet, I have no clothes. Now I know that most people say they have no clothes when they just can't find something to wear, but I really don't. For those of you who know me, or rather, my husband, it should come as no surprise that 87% of the closet is taken up with his shirts, slacks, ties and of course, shoes. (Granted size 13 shoes do take up a lot of room, but it doesn't account for the disproportionate use of space.)

Despite the fact that I have only lived in my house for 11 months, and we did a major purge of clothes before we moved it seems that my closet is primarily stocked with pants and zip-up hoodies from 1999. This is made even more unfortunate by the fact that this was the height of my thrift-store period.

As many of you have probably also experienced, my 20s were a time when I was on the move. During that decade, I think I lived in 9 different places. With each move, I would purge my closet of the clothes I no longer wore (dowdy counseling clothes anyone?) or wanted . But I managed to hold onto a few things that were comfy, and had begun to have some sentimental attachment.

During the last few years, i couldn't justify buying a lot of new clothes when I thought might be getting pregnant, at which point I would need to buy maternity clothes.

Of course once pregnant I only purchased enough clothes to get by during the pregnancy, as I would be back to my normal self in just a few short months. Those baggy pants got me through the first six months.

And then Raviv was born, and I didn't quite fit into the maternity clothes, but also didn't quite fit into my normal clothes. So I didn't buy anything thinking I would continue to lose weight. And I was happy to have baggy clothes since they did fit.

So here I am, 5 1/2 months after having a baby, rooting through my closet and I realize, there are few clothes that were manufactured after the 1999 baggy-era that fit. Now I'm wondering what to do- Should I go buy clothes that fit me now, knowing (hoping!) that I will lose the rest of my baby weight? I bought a pair of jeans a few weeks ago out of desperation, but now they are a bit too lose (a good thing for my ego, but not the wallet). And apparently low-rise is no longer an option without major crackage. What do I do about the fact that the brands/sizes that I knew worked on me no longer do? I think my ribcage is permanently expanded, my hips may never go back to their normal size and I have porn-worthy boobs (in size only). I currently do laundry every few days so I can wear the few things I have that fit and I like. Although the scale is moving in the right direction, I am mourning the fact that I will never fit into my skinny jeans again (new hips), or most of my favorite dresses (too tight for the ribcage).

Plus, even if I decided to purchase new clothes, shopping for clothes post-baby is cruel and unusual punishment. We don't have any full-length mirrors in our house so I was quite surprised when I looked into a three-way-mirror at the Gap and realized how much damage pregnancy can do to a body. Yes, it is amazing to give birth, create life from your own body and feed and nourish a living being and blah blah blah, but when confronted with stretch marks and florescent lighting, everything else seems to fade away.

My best solution would be for new moms to trade post-pregnancy clothes. For those of you who aren't mothers, there is an amazing sense of generosity among us. Many of the clothes I wore while pregnant came from friends who had been pregnant before me. I am digging through my own closet to pass on to my friends who are newly pregnant. (I met a woman who had a pair of overalls that had been worn by 16 different pregnant women. When the baby was born, the mother would embroider the name and birth date of the baby onto the overalls and then pass them on). My proposal is that new moms trade the post-baby clothes. There should a new category of clothing marketed to this post-preggo population that can accommodate shrinking (not expanding) bodies. Maternity clothes are too stretched out to serve this purpose. I imagine lots of buckles, straps and velcro. Anyway, I guess baggy pants are better than mom jeans. (Again, that is not me in the picture)

Searching for Inspiration

All day I've been looking for inspiration. First, I have been looking for inspiration for something to write in this blog. I've also been looking for inspiration for eating right and exercising. Being a working mother has left me strapped for time and additional mental and physical resources. I have found that my friends have been useful on both fronts.

First- I'll start with my physical health. I have finally recruited someone to join me on a weight loss- exercise-increased lifestyle. This person (well, technically persons since her husband is joining on this endeavor as well) shall remain nameless unless she wants to be identified (put this thought in your mental parking lot because I'm going to come back to it). We have decided to do weight watchers together. Yes, I feel like a dork, but I know it works and I need to stop eating ice cream and cereal as my two main (only?) food groups. Today was great- we exchanged a bunch of emails to check in about how we were doing. What's for lunch? How many points in a pint of ice cream? Do I get extra exercise points for finding my sneakers this morning? Really, it was very helpful. I have a bit more experience with the "eating healthy and exercising" thing so it is motivating for me to a) pep talk this friend and b)see her work so hard. Not being alone in this helps so much.

That said, I do need a bit of extra help with the exercise today. I KNOW I will feel better about myself and in general if I do it. I KNOW I like it. I KNOW it will feel great when I wake up tomorrow. Yet it is so hard to actually get off the couch and put on the sneakers I found earlier in the day. Why? It would be 30 minutes of my day to have lasting effects all evening and into tomorrow. Ok! My self- pep talk is working! But, I don't want to exercise too soon after eating, so I think I'll continue sitting on the couch for a few more minutes (see my problem?)

Second- I put out a request on facebook for topics to write about. (By the way, I realize that I live totally "on the grid" and I'm fine with that. I have not yet picked up a twitter habit.) I got two requests for what to write about. One, I think I already addressed for the day- working out, eating right and getting healthy. The second request (although technically it was made first) was to talk about how great it is being a new mom and what married people without children can do to prepare for kids. Well, I can say is being a new mom is great. I love Raviv so much. He's really fun, he loves me so much and it is amazing to watch someone go from nothing to an amazing life force, full of zest. Yep, he's a Zesty Zarch. But there are also parts that are really hard that people don't talk about. Like how when I was pregnant I wasn't always "so excited." In fact, I had periods of downright dread. What had I done! My life was going to be over! I didn't actually want a kid! And although I had a relatively easy pregnancy, with the worst part being the awful stretch marks, I didn't LIKE being pregnant. Because I've always been an active person, I like to be at home in my own body. Being pregnant was like having a house guest that was way overstaying his welcome. I liked feeling Raviv move, because it meant he was alive, but I didn't actually LIKE feeling him move. And I also didn't like how I began to find everyone very annoying. Most of all my poor husband. I wasn't moody per-se, I just felt off for a long time.

My favorite part of the whole pregnancy was giving birth. I know that sounds weird, but I felt totally ready. Being an endurance athlete (and I use the term athlete loosely) I felt like I had done a lot to prepare for the big event, and when it came, it was amazing. Now, I'm not going to say it wasn't uncomfortable, or that there wasn't swearing involved, and that four and a half hours of pushing was my idea of a fun Saturday night, but overall, I felt powerful. Bil and I had hired an amazing doula, and that made such a difference for us (let me know if you live in the area and want her name!). She taught me to really go inside and tap into my animal instinct. So during the labor, I was totally into my body, blocking out everything external that I could. I'm not sure why I can't do this when I go for a measly little run around the neighborhood.

I can write a lot more about the birth experience, but that is getting off topic. Maybe more another day.

In terms of what you can do to prepare- not sure. My mom told me one of the hardest parts about having a baby is that by the time you get around to making the big decision that you want one, you then have to wait at least nine months to get one. I felt that making the decision was so hard, but that I wasn't in such a hurry once I was pregnant (actually, my 39th week of pregnancy I felt the best I had all along. But the first day of my 40th week I was DONE. Raviv came the next day!). Remember how when you got married it was a big adjustment and kind of annoying to accommodate someone else's needs into your life (no more cereal for dinner and going to that lame party on a Saturday night), it gets infinitely harder when you have a child. I think maximizing your time as an un-parenting person is the most important. Stay up late, sleep late, go out, stay in, just do whatever you want when you want because it won't be about you again for a long time (if ever).

Now, given that I have mostly digested the cookies I ate for dinner, it is time to go exercise!

By the way, that person on the couch with the sneakers isn't me. A) I wear pants ever since that unfortunate chafing incident, B) I think that is a guy, C) I don't have, nor will I ever (much to Bil's chagrin) have a leather couch, D) that person looks like they've already exercised.

The best sound(s) in the world

Raviv's giggles are some of the best sounds in the world. To have the ability to make a little baby giggle makes one feel so good. This morning he was very happy. Bil has been in NYC for the last two-ish weeks and came home for a long weekend. While he was gone Raviv was out of sorts- he seemed to be whiny and needed to be held a lot. Since Bil has been back, Raviv has been his normal happy self. I didn't think he would (could?) miss his Aba so much and it is nice to know that he really sees us as his family, even at five months.

I really love my family. Shae (the fat cat) and Raviv are starting to bond. Shae joins us for bedtime books every night and in the morning while Raviv plays on the floor while I shower, she lays in front of him and watches. It is really sweet given that Shae was so jealous in the beginning. Shae wanted to be the baby- when I would put Raviv on the nursing pillow (unfortunately called "my brest friend" however that is an apt description as it really is an amazing invention- much better than the boppy) Shae would climb up onto the pillow as well and perch her fat self on the other side of Raviv. Given that Raviv was born in February and Shae is fat, warm, furry and purrs I decided it wasn't a problem. Tuli (the not-as-fat cat) has been very maternal to me. She sits with (and by with I mean in the same room) as me when I'm feeling especially worn out or overwhelmed. Animals are so instinctual. Actually, while I was in labor, Tuli hung out with me and wasn't phased at all by my sounding (moaning/chanting) and I found that to be reassuring and calming.

The other best sound in the world happens just after I insert the squishy foam earplugs into my ears. As they expand, and drown out the rest of the world, I feel that I can finally relax. I don't get an opportunity to use them often, and never needed them until I had a baby. I find that I always have "one-ear-open" for Raviv and so even when I sleep, it isn't too restful. Bil doesn't notice Raviv calling to be fed in the middle of the night, I think because he doesn't have to. So when Bil is home and can watch Raviv while I take a nap, I have to completely block out the sound. I relinquish all responsibility for those few minutes and it is fantastic!

I want to comment on something else and it has to do with movie previews- and since this is my blog I will (having a blog is so self-indulgent isn't it?). Last night Bil and I went to a movie. I had wanted to go see "Food, Inc" because I just finished Michael Pollan's book The Omnivore's Dilemma and wanted to share what I learned with Bil. I know he won't read the book so I figure a film would be much more effective than me lecturing about the amount of corn and petrol we ingest and how "organic" doesn't necessarily mean Eco-friendly or healthier. I have always tried to eat organic/local but now I am committed on a whole new level. Especially as I think about Raviv and how I want to feed him*. Anyway, given that we rarely go to the movies, and that Bil doesn't like scary movies (and I think Food, Inc. will probably be scary, but not in a slasher way) we decided to go to a comedy. We purchased our tickets to "the Hangover" and took our seats. Now, for those who have been to the movies with me, you know that I LOVE previews. So I was very excited to see what was coming up (granted, I go to one or two movies a year), expecting to see previews for other comedies. If you recall from a few sentences ago, Bil doesn't like scary movies (and frankly, neither do I), so you can imagine our displeasure when the first preview is for some horror movie. He closes his eyes and I tell him when the preview is over and it is safe to look. Unfortunately, four of the six previews were for bad horror movies. I didn't realize that the market was big enough to have four coming out so close together, but clearly whoever is in charge of marketing doesn't really know their audience too well anyway- why show so many of these previews at a comedy? We had begun to think we were in the wrong theater and almost went to out to check the marquee (although that would have required opening our eyes). Anyway, our jovial date-night fun mood was somewhat ruined before the movie started. Given that it wasn't that funny of a movie, it took a while for us to recapture it. Bil didn't like the movie much. I thought it was okay, but don't rush to go see it.


*As I wrote this I was steaming some organic baby beets I got from a local farm stand. I was so distracted that I let the water boil down and the house got all smokey. Luckily our fire alarm didn't go off, which is strange since it is so sensitive, or Raviv would have woken up and cried. His crying is NOT a sound I enjoy.

What is the jig you ask?

In college the term "the jig" was coined to refer to those body parts that jiggle when you haven't run in a while. You know, the ones that aren't supposed to jiggle and surprise you when you take those first few steps after a long break. Like your belly (remember, I'm talking about when I was in college). Well now, being 5 months postpartum and in the very early stages of getting back in shape, I have a whole new set of jigs. Like my hips. How do the outsides of your hips jiggle?

Yesterday I went running and it was super hot and steamy. As I ran, I felt like I was swimming. Swimming would have been a better idea, however, as about halfway through the run, I started to chafe. Halfway being as far from home as I was going to be. This wasn't just a slight uncomfortable rub of the thighs (granted, I'm a bit knock-kneed, so I'm used to running with my legs hitting each other occasionally), but this was like hot sandpaper rubbing against each other with each step. My legs were burning, and not in the lactic-acid good way. Unfortunately Bil had a meeting to go to and I'd promised to be home within 30 minutes. This meant no walking.

Today I have red scabby marks on the inside of my thighs. I put some of Raviv's balmex on them, hoping it would help cure the discomfort. I'm also wearing a pair of Bil's boxer breifs under my skirt so my legs don't rub against eachother anymore. So far it is helping, but not enough. I don't think I'll be running today.